For the better part of a year, I haven’t been writing consistently. I’ve started so many pieces, but haven’t completed them; and as a result, I have barely published any posts.
I have a love-hate relationship with advocacy. Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t an advocate. Sometimes I wish I could just live my life quietly in a corner, not being “the trans man”, but simply another inconspicuous man. Other times, I’m absolutely in love with my work, and complete so many tasks, you’d believe I was Mr. Super Advocate himself.
Advocacy is work; and hard work at that. It’s like a second job. And most times after my workout and a full day at my paid job, I’m too tired to attempt being productive at it. I’m tired. I have been tired. And I’ve also been questioning whether or not what I do makes an impact.
It might sound like a silly thing, wondering if I’m positively impacting the lives of others, but if I’m not doing that, then what really is the point? I’ve also been questioning the “legitimacy” of my passion for advocacy. After all, if I’m not 100% enthused about it 24/7, then how valid is my identity as an advocate?
Enter a few of the wonderful people I have in my life. They have been reminding me to not be so hard on myself. That everyone gets tired sometimes, but it doesn’t mean that we’re “frauds”, or any less passionate about the things we care about. That self-care is important, and sometimes we just need to slow down and focus on ourselves, so we can be even better for the people we’re advocating for.
As one of them said to me, “Advocacy is running several marathons and a few 10k races in your lifetime. Sometimes you need to be training and not running. Sometimes you need to be resting and not training or running.”
I haven’t been running; I’ve been resting. And now I feel like I’m ready to start training, so I can start running again.